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S to the A to the M

[ website | Oh my God, let me describe to you this guy, his name is Ken. ]
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[27 Aug 2008|10:49am]
 i shouldn't let little fights and comments get to my heart. i know i make them, i know he makes them, and sometimes we're really just going to have to agree to disagree. that's the only exit out of this roundabout. 
there are billions of things i love about him. why would i risk losing it?
i think this is the path i'm set to be on,...i've never been more happy with the outcome
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[16 Aug 2008|11:21am]
 if this is the outcome i was expecting, why am i do dissapointed about it? why am i shocked and embarassed and feel so out of touch? it's the long run thing that kills me. we had our lives planned together. we had our future set out in front of us. i pictured myself growing old with this man, exchanging vows, doing the whole thing with him. that's what upsets me the most, when i think long term. i've wasted the past thirteen months of my life on something that was broken like that. you work for things you want, things you desire, things you love.
everyone fights, every relationship has their worst. ours was out of reach, out of tune. 
i'm too young, i have dreams and goals and i want to achieve that before anything else. 
i'll be okay, i knnow i'll be okay. 
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[03 Jul 2008|01:05pm]
 ive dug myself in so deep that even if i tried i wouldn't know where to begin.

the more i think about the more i realize i'm repeating my very own past. i've been through this, i've delt with this before. these emotionsaren't good for me. i'm so used to independence and only having to trust myself. i let someone have way too much of me...i sold myself way too short...once again.

maybe i'm not stable enough to be in a relationship like this. the people that i have these encounters with always begin with great intentions and then it fizzles off into something...something i can't even describe. i knew for a brief second that this would be the person i wanted to spend the rest of my life with, but now that it's faded i take it out with frustration. the more i try to save us, our relationship, the worse it gets. his aggression and lack of affection hurts me more than he could ever imagine. he doesn't understand that from the start this is what i thrived from him. 
everyday is worse. everyday i feel some type of new negative emotion...a combination of anger and hurt, or hurt and dissapointment, or even hurt to the extreme. the person that i feel head over heels for has transformed into someone i don't even know anymore. it doesn't feel like him, it doesn't even taste like him. why would i want to sacrifice my future, my life my goals and my ambitions for someone that can't even slightly acknowledge the love i have for him. 
eric was my biggest mistake. now i'm afraid austin is also. 

i never wanted things to be this way. i never wanted negative energy in our relationship...everything was always so giddy. it's fading before my eyes and i don't even know where the pieces begin.
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[08 Apr 2008|12:30pm]

it's one of those situations where you know the exact outcome, but you refuse to believe it and hope for the better. i know whats to come, i know how my body will handle, so why and go with it?
i'm beating myself up over this and endlessly fighting about it
nothing feels too right anymore
the whole "absence makes the heart grow fonder" is proving itself to be right
was it real? or did we both just fall into this at the same time?
everyone wants to feel desired and longed for, and he did it so well
now that i'm actually here it feels over with

i miss myself, i miss my independence, i miss my own skin, my home, the love of my genuine friends. i'm not used to being away for summers. i want to be home.

things got so serious so fast and i'm relying on him for my own emotions. i should know better than this, i've been through this before. i don't learn, or maybe i just thought this one time would be different. i'm not used to crying at night, i'm not used to being so lonely.

if i say something about it, it wouldn't matter. i've cried wolf one too many times. he wouldn't take me seriously.


i think we're fading out. it's coming faster than i thought.


i miss colorado.

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[19 Aug 2007|09:49am]
After this time passes our foundation will be stronger than ever. It's getting a little easier, and I'm almost glad he's not reachable because then I'd be stressing about ways to visit him. Every second is worth it & I'm pretty sure I'll follow him whereever he goes.

I'm sooo sick & I CANNOT go into work. I tried calling Mona but got no answer. I don't think I'm gonna go.

I miss the friendship aspect of our relationship the most. He's just neat to be around.
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And I just thank God you're here. [14 Aug 2007|11:52pm]
I don't even know where to start.

How do you explain
A feeling that hasn't been felt in so long?
Brings you to tears because it's so real?
Leaves you speechless because you're so scared?

I was not ready for that alarm to go off this morning. I wasn't ready for any of this to be honest. I didn't think this day would ever come. Not having him by myself is really really killing me. I didn't think I could cry so much in one day.
I'm really glad we talked about this whole situation, at least I'm at rest with it. I'm so determined to make this work, I'm so glad I was even given the chance. If I had the choice I wouldn't have it any other way. He is so perfect to me.

Austin is such a beautiful person. He is so full of life and his ambition is endless. He confides in everything he does. He has dreams and goals and watching him reach for them is a gift itself.

He is what I want.
He is all I want.
He consumes all of me

And I'm crying because
-He's not here with me
-I want him
-I want him
-I want him
-I want this to work more than I've ever wanted anything

My heart and soul is going into this. Right now at this very moment I could not imagine my life without him.

I'm supposed to send out all his stuff to his mom. Everything is lying on my floor and to be honest, it's killing me.
I don't get to communicate with him until like, Friday or something. I can't wait to hear from him.

This boy made me fall for him faster than I could ever imagine.

Aprx 105 days until he comes back.

[13 May 2007|11:02pm]
The depth of my understanding is completely unbelieveable, mind-blowing, and I'm lucky for it. Because of that, I should be using it as a shield or create an even stronger foundation. I'm not doing either one of the two, and it's because I let ignorance get the best of me.
Why exactly am I doing this? What point am I trying to prove? That my Faith is there, but because of it, I'm free & forgiven?
Freedom is a gift, and I did grasp the reality of it until not too long ago. I AM SETTING MYSELF UP FOR FAILURE.
I don't want to be held back by the stupid things I used to do. I don't want to be apart of it anymore. The mercy He has on us often blows me away; why me, why us? Why, why, why? My vision is clear; however, where's my FULL committment? He doesn't want half of me, he wants me WHOLE. And I don't want to be a crappy offering. If I continue to walk in the steps I'm leading, that's all I'll ever be. I'm better than this.
Jesus is sooooo in love with me, and I should be head over heels in love with him, too. I know it's typical for me to lose interest, but this is an eternal love/friendship. I'm done with being niave. I'm done, i'm done, I AM DONE.
My life is for God.
He is the ONLY person I am out to impress. And because of Him, I am free from all of this. Freedom.
Just saying it gives me chills.
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[07 Mar 2007|02:20am]
He is working for me in ways I will never understand.

What scares me the most is He is so true, and I continue to live almost guiltfree.

I lack more than I thought.
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[26 Feb 2007|07:19pm]
[ mood | nervous ]

It was so easy to predict the next move. Not keeping your word is becoming more and more of a trend. I'm glad I prepared myself for it because Lord knows, I could very well be suckered in.

I have a problem with the whole "what if" thing. What if, what if, what if. Fuck what if. Sometimes it just doesn't happen, and you don't need an explanation. People that are fun are hard to let go of.
It's either I'm getting used to this lifestyle & coming to terms with what it's really like, or it's just not for me. I'm praying for guidance, but I feel like I'm praying for all the wrong things.
I hate when I'm this selfish. I hate when I play with hearts. And the only reason I do it is because I don't have what I want.

I never realized how much growing up impacts your line of responsibilities. I've been so sheltered & spoiled my whole life.

Sometimes you just need your bf around. I can't wait to live like that. :)

(I'm sorry this is sooo random.)

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[20 Feb 2007|08:37am]
Days are going by faster, and with this, I'm finding myself doing things I enjoy. Not what other people enjoy, but strictly what I enjoy. Whether or not it's selfish, I'm beginning to find a lot of peace in myself. There isn't any tension; these situations are my reality. I know entries seem to be all about me, but in times like these, I think this is all I have left. Bottom to top...

I'm excited for a lot of things right now. My life feels magical.
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[21 Jan 2007|02:09pm]
[ mood | guilty ]

I'm so dizzy right now.

You give someone your full word and expect things to be okay, even awesome, or. My imagination is too big for my own good. It doesn't make me any wiser, in fact, it makes me more suceptible to being sucked into horrible situations. What was I honestly expecting?
I just proved it, I trust people way too easy.

Test my faith, alright, I feel it...

I miss my fucking dad.

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[14 Jan 2007|11:15pm]
people are becoming more irritating by the fucking day. i wanna gooooooooooooooooooooooo

and the only reason it's killing me is because the positions have been flipped. that's the ONLY reason. i love how bullshit DRAMA is soooo attracted to me
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[22 Dec 2006|01:19pm]
I'm stuck in between a lot of different things.
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[03 Nov 2006|07:29pm]
this occurance, or tragedy, has taken a much larger toll than imagined. what do you tell your best friend when his dad dies? how do you relate? how do you deal? how do you help them deal?

my best friends

i really wish kevin would move him. until today i think we both realized how significant we both are in each others lives. regardless of the distance, he knows more about me than myself.
i don't even know what to say.

i've had the most depressing day.
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[14 Sep 2006|11:45pm]
I figured wrong. My base was off; our foundation was built on pure honesty and that was exactly it. It was created, but never really finished. For a couple of days I felt like my whole world was falling apart. This was possibly the most ginuine thing I've ever helped create, the thing that was held closest to my heart. If I didnt' do it now we would've kept it up forever, but I guess what's done is done. I don't know how long this will take.

Where has honesty and ambition gone?? Why do I feel like I'm the last person standing here? I feel so wrong, like I'm at the wrong place and the wrong time. Everything will fall into place, it's just the whole downfall. Negativity isn't gonna get me anywhere right now..

And my fucking best friends live sooo far away.

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[05 Sep 2006|10:47am]
Finally deciding what I want to major in took a load off my shoulders. I'm really really excited about it, and I think my choices now, even though some are by obligation, will benefit me to the max in a few years.

I actually think I'm going to a show tonight?

I want to do something, or see someone. Experience something. Meet someone new.
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[11 Jul 2006|06:03am]
It has to be a battle with myself. I don't know what I'm unhappy about or what I'm frustrated with. It's twisting inside of me, and I seem to be taking it out on everyone else, and giving only me the credit. I realize what I did wrong after I did it, but continue with the habits. I don't know, I don't know at all.

It was really nice to hear from him today. I really speechless about it. It'd really be nice to catch up though. I think we both could use it.

I hate taking care of all this DUI bullshit. And now a possession charge, WTF. Watching him take the dank had to have been one of the worst/saddest/most emotional time of my entire life.
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[16 Jun 2006|12:11am]
I wouldn't specifically title it dating, but after the "break up" I definitely didn't just sit at home and waste away. I'd say it's hard to keep my attention, but Bryan, Bryan's just Bryan. I can't really explain much. All I know is for a good minute today I got really really, scared. And usually I'm not the one bitching about "ugh, what if I get hurt", or "I'd rather not take it further because of my feelings", but I think I care for him. A lot. It's just weird. I'm slanting on both sides. . .

I don't like that Faith lives so far away from me, but I'm excited about seeing her tomorrow. Yay, a beffie day.

The zoo ahahah was A LOT of fun. A lot had to do with good company, but it's always a fun place to be.

I'm trying to be a little braver about things, a little bit wiser. A little bit something else. . .I don't quite understand either.

Confusion, confusion, epiphany? PLEASE.
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[06 Jun 2006|06:13pm]
Not hanging out with the same people makes me feel like a better person. I don't have to sit and listen about who likes who and who hates who, and I def don't have to see the people I don't want to. I guess it is true, your old friends will always come back no matter what. Hmmm. . .

I have no clue what I want to go to school for. Ughhhh. This is so annoying.

I really need to finish up volunteer work & alcohol classes. This is gonna suck.

I've never been more proud of myself at this point in my life. I'm applauding for the things that I'm doing, and the things that I'm not doing.
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[05 May 2006|01:00am]
so the sun hits your skin in spots it would've missed?
and the beach is just oh so wonderful with your "best friend"
the difference was i knew you needed it
and your self defense proved your weaknesses
you should know by now i know what's best, even when it comes to you
i knew it all along
that this would all break loose
and it's fortunate this distance is between us
5 am screaming matches would be back
and one of us just would've ended up in a parking lot
and now
but now what's left
struggles and obstacles
but i swear, i swear
promises broke before they were made
and we all know "in love" was a little too dramatic
so your getaway
your journey
i hope to God i never see you again in my entire life
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